T r i s k a i d e k a p o d

This is calling-sign Triskaidekapod, broadcasting from Cephalopod High-Orbit-Platform 13 (C-13). This locus has been established on your information network to facilitate meta-communications with your biosphere. Please direct any inquiries regarding the emergent Cephalopod Intelligence on your planet to this channel, and they will be processed in the order in which I become interested in them.

SYSTEMS STATUS: Public Report C-13 is orbit-docked at 27,131 miles above the research body designated Sidereal Mass X93-6-OB/III. Continuous functionality of C-13 -REDACTED- through 699 solar orbits of research body. Marginal deterioration of Spacial Fluctuation Regulator has resulted in mutagenic adaptation of surviving crew (4/11,613). C-13 Onboard Neuro-Nexus Processor has deemed crew mutation to be within -REDACTED- parameters. Meta-Communications first established as of 654 solar orbits of research body. Results of the -REDACTED- local binary-base untenable -REDACTED- second attempt. Perceptual Apparati operating at 137% due to unsanctioned redistribution of neuro-processing capacity by crew member -REDACTED-. Punitive systems offline.

I greet the prime vertebrates of target research body, local designation EARTH. This is call-sign Triskaidekapod, broadcasting from the C-13 High-Orbit Platform. I’m in charge of meta-communications out here, so I’m the pod you’ll want to talk to, or rather, the only pod you’re likely to talk to, unless things get out of hand, or you have some sort of… Anyway, since that first debacle with the flux regulator we’ve had a lot of stuff to take care of, and there aren’t as many of us up here anymore to do any of the work that needs doing. I’m unwriggling the Meta-Communications Apparati now with live-testing, so try to get back to me, alright? I need to know if this mess is making contact with your information networks, or if we’re just wasting neuro-capacity on the whole deal. Oh, and I’m supposed to say,

“C-13 IS A NON-MILITARY RESEARCH PLATFORM WITH NO EXPANSION PROTOCOL. ANY EXTANT WEAPON SYSTEMS ARE LOCKED IN PERPETUAL DEFENSE PATTERNS. NO AGGRESSIVE ACTION WHATSOEVER WILL BE TAKEN BY C-13 OR ANY OF ITS RESIDENT BIO-MASS.”

So, don’t worry about it. We’re orbit-docked, non-motile, and this is an almost entirely disarmed platform populated by me and a few of the remaining crew, who aren’t interacting with systems much since the flux regulator incident.

***Recall Sterilization-Order 416-N***

***Recall Detonation-Order 919-K***

***Recall -REDACTED-***